Archive for the ‘DICK HAMMER’ Category

Dick Hammer: Conservative Republican Private Investigator in, “The Unfaithful Dame Will Pay … In Spades!”

Monday, May 2nd, 2011

This story was originally published in Tabloia Weekly Magazine #576 (2005)!

BUY TABLOIA WEEKLY MAGAZINE #576!
BUY A BUNCH OF OTHER GREAT STUFF!

[click on image to enlarge]


BUY TABLOIA WEEKLY MAGAZINE #576!
BUY A BUNCH OF OTHER GREAT STUFF!

copyright Chris Wisnia 2005

Dick Hammer: Conservative Republican Private Investigator in, “A Dame’s Love Bites Like a .45 Slug in the Guts!”

Monday, April 25th, 2011

Fans! We know how much you all love “DICK HAMMER: PRIVATE DETECTIVE!” But many of you don’t realize DICK had a feature in “TABLOIA WEEKLY MAGAZINE” for years before his “DAILY” web comic began running once a week at TABLOIA.COM! The web comic was “web canceled” in November 2008! But here, for the first time, we reprint DICK’S EARLY, first adventures from Tabloia Weekly Magazine! Here’s his much-sought fourth appearance (Tabloia Weekly Magazine #575), on the mean streets of Crude Bay, circa 2005! Enjoy! – Rob Oder, Editor-in-Chief!

[click on image to enlarge]


BUY TABLOIA WEEKLY MAGAZINE #575!
BUY A BUNCH OF OTHER GREAT STUFF!

copyright Chris Wisnia 2005

Dick Hammer: Conservative Republican Investigator in … “Wear Those Dresses To The Morgue!”

Thursday, February 24th, 2011

Fans! We know how much you all love “DICK HAMMER: PRIVATE DETECTIVE!” But many of you don’t realize DICK had a feature in “TABLOIA WEEKLY MAGAZINE” for years before his “DAILY” web comic began running once a week at TABLOIA.COM! The web comic was “web canceled” in November 2008! But here, for the first time, we reprint DICK’S EARLY, first adventures from Tabloia Weekly Magazine! Here’s his much-sought third appearance (Tabloia Weekly Magazine #574), on the mean streets of Crude Bay, circa 2004! Enjoy! – Rob Oder, Editor-in-Chief!

[click on image to enlarge]



BUY TABLOIA WEEKLY MAGAZINE #574!
BUY A BUNCH OF OTHER GREAT STUFF!

copyright Chris Wisnia 2004

DICK HAMMER: CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR in … “The Evil Twin Must Die!”

Thursday, December 16th, 2010

Fans! We know how much you all love “DICK HAMMER: PRIVATE DETECTIVE!” But many of you don’t realize DICK had a feature in “TABLOIA WEEKLY MAGAZINE” for years before his “DAILY” web comic began running once a week at TABLOIA.COM! The web comic was “web canceled” in November 2008! But here, for the first time, we reprint DICK’S EARLY, first adventures from Tabloia Weekly Magazine! Here’s his much-sought second appearance (Tabloia Weekly Magazine #573), on the mean streets of Crude Bay, circa 2004! Enjoy! – Rob Oder, Editor-in-Chief!

[click on image to enlarge]


BUY TABLOIA WEEKLY MAGAZINE #573!
BUY A BUNCH OF OTHER GREAT STUFF!

copyright Chris Wisnia 2004

DICK HAMMER: CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR in … “And The Tupee Cried … Vengeance!”

Monday, October 11th, 2010

Fans! We know how much you all love “DICK HAMMER: PRIVATE DETECTIVE!” But many of you don’t realize DICK had a feature in “TABLOIA WEEKLY MAGAZINE” for years before his “DAILY” web comic began running once a week at TABLOIA.COM! The web comic was “web canceled” in November 2008! But here, for the first time, we reprint DICK’S EARLY, first adventures from Tabloia Weekly Magazine! Here’s his much-sought first appearance (Tabloia Weekly Magazine #572), on the mean streets of Crude Bay, circa 2004! Enjoy! – Rob Oder, Editor-in-Chief!

[click on image to enlarge]

BUY TABLOIA WEEKLY MAGAZINE #572!
BUY A BUNCH OF OTHER GREAT STUFF!

copyright Chris Wisnia 2004

DICK HAMMER: The Dailies 5

Friday, April 23rd, 2010

INTRO
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE, PART ONE
CHAPTER THREE, PART TWO
CHAPTER FOUR, PART ONE
CHAPTER FOUR, PART TWO
CHAPTER FIVE

August 11, 2008

Fans, complaints continue pouring in! Everyone is bored by the awkward and slow pace of this self-supposed “adventure!” We’re hoping it starts going somewhere just as much as you! And now that the script is complete and in our hands, we can say with authority that maybe, uh, you should take a break for the next … er … roughly two hundred weeks! Because THEN, IT DOES (and boy DOES it) really pick up the awkward and slow pace! We’ll see you all then!

And as for the rest of you … That’s right! You guessed it! It’s time for another installment of the “Thugs, Mugs, and Slugs” Radio Mystery Hour! Errol Ellis has graciously donated some of their most shocking, upsetting episodes from the 1940’s and ’50’s! Be sure to tune in to the “Thugs, Mugs, and Slugs” Radio Mystery Hour every Friday evening!

Thanks for supporting our sponsor, the “Thugs, Mugs, and Slugs” Radio Mystery Hour! Here’s a classic, memorable episode right now! Followed by this week’s exciting Dick Hammer daily … “Wind the Clock Deadly!”

Enjoy!
-Rob, Editor-in-Chief

[Sound of rain on concrete. Footsteps approaching]
[orchestra swells]
[footsteps quicken, then suddenly stop]
[rain beating down]
[chainsaw, screaming, splattering]
[dog barking]

[theme song]

Announcer: Welcome to Errol Ellis’s “Thugs, Mugs, and Slugs” Radio Mystery Hour! Featuring the Dirty, Rotten, No-Good, Back-Stabbing Rats!

[a car speeding along road]
[speeding around turn]
[radio blaring a generic big band “swing” tune]
Gruff voice: I said, would you turn that God damn racket down. I need to think!
[radio continues to blare]
Gruff: This is enough, God damn it. I’m climbing over this God damn seat and —
[car brakes screeching]

Gruff: Oof! God DAMN IT! You fucking asshole! And you, stop smirking at him! Turn the God damn radio off or –

High pitched voice: We already told you it helps him drive better. And it relaxes me. We lost ’em, didn’t we? So what are you complaining about?

Gruff: I’m complaining that you fuck-wits have signed our death warrants! It’s just a matter of time before Cosper figures out what –

High pitched: Cosper Cosper Cosper!

Gruff: You idiot. DIPSHIT! Cosper’s gonna have your head and mine, thanks to you shit-wits. God damn it. God DAMN it.

[radio continues blaring]

Gruff: You don’t know Cosper. When he does you in, you’ll be pleading for a God damn week before he puts you out of your misery. He’s vengeful! Vindictive! I’m dead, I’m dead …

High pitched: You gotta settle down. What’re you so worked up about? We’ll get out of this okay.

Gruff: I don’t know what’s giving me a bigger headache – this awful din, or your God damn voice!

High pitched: Now that’s getting personal, Nicky!

Gruff: In fact, you know what? Fuck this shit …

High pitched: Nicky, what the fuck …
[gun cocking]

[explosive gunfire, car swerving, second shot, metal-rending crash]
[music blares for a period]
[car door opening]

Gruff: Goddamn music didn’t help him … heh heh … miss that tree, with God damn … ha ha … bullets in their brains …

[music continues to blare]
[clicking of a nob, off and on, off and on. Music continues to blare.]

Gruff: God damn … How in the FUCK does a car crash short a God damn STEREO FROM TURNING THE FUCK OFF!

[music blaring]
[in distance, sirens, growing closer]
Gruff: Oh fuck this shit. I’m fucked anyways.
[gun cocking]
[one gunshot, and a body slumping to the ground]
[music continues to blare, as sirens grow closer]

Announcer: Hope you enjoyed this week’s “Thugs, Mugs, and Slugs” Radio Mystery Hour! Featuring the Dirty, Rotten, No-Good, Back-Stabbing Rats! Join us again next Friday! And now back to Dick Hammer, as we begin chapter five … “The Bride Wore Blood Red!”

CLICK ON IMAGE TO ENLARGE

August 12, 2008

August 13, 2008

August 18, 2008

August 25, 2008

September 1, 2008

September 2, 2008

September 8, 2008

September 15, 2008

September 18, 2008

September 22, 2008

October 1, 2008

October 6, 2008

October 13, 2008

October 20, 2008

October 27, 2008

November 3, 2008

November 10, 2008

November 18, 2008

INTRO
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE, PART ONE
CHAPTER THREE, PART TWO
CHAPTER FOUR, PART ONE
CHAPTER FOUR, PART TWO
CHAPTER FIVE

DICK HAMMER: The Dailies 4 … Continued!

Thursday, April 22nd, 2010

INTRO
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE, PART ONE
CHAPTER THREE, PART TWO
CHAPTER FOUR, PART ONE
CHAPTER FOUR, PART TWO
CHAPTER FIVE

CLICK ON IMAGE TO ENLARGE

April 28, 2008

May 5, 2008

May 12, 2008

May 19, 2008

May 26, 2008

June 2, 2008

June 10, 2008

June 16, 2008

June 23, 2008

June 30, 2008

July 7, 2008

July 14, 2008

July 21, 2008

July 27, 2008

August 4, 2008

August 8, 2008

INTRO
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE, PART ONE
CHAPTER THREE, PART TWO
CHAPTER FOUR, PART ONE
CHAPTER FOUR, PART TWO
CHAPTER FIVE

DICK HAMMER: The Dailies 4 “Nice Shot, Drug Addict”

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010

INTRO
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE, PART ONE
CHAPTER THREE, PART TWO
CHAPTER FOUR, PART ONE
CHAPTER FOUR, PART TWO
CHAPTER FIVE

CLICK ON IMAGE TO ENLARGE

January 16, 2008

January 23, 2008

January 28, 2008

February 4, 2008

February 11, 2008

February 18, 2008

February 25, 2008

March 3, 2008

March 10, 2008

March 17, 2008

March 20, 2008

Hope you’re enjoying Dick Hammer’s Dailies, Fans!

As you can imagine, our mailboxes have become a literal menagerie, ever since the shocking, controversial announcement that the role of Rudyard Rupert Kaplan III would be snatched from the hands of one of your favorite (out-of-control pain-in-the-ass) actors, and tossed into the lap of Tabloia steady “bit” contractor, William Ridgemark!

Well it’s taken us weeks, but we’ve read and sorted every letter that’s flooded our desks, and here are some samples:

” … makes everything he’s in a chore to watch.”
Burt Ninger
Sapulpa, Oklahoma

[name deleted by editor] ” … was better … ”
Norville Lance
Munfordville, Kentucky

” … Ridgemark sucks … ”
Ed Backing
Eagle Butte, South Dakota

” … can’t stand that harbinger of boredom … ”
Creed Tort
Duck Hill, Mississippi

“What are you stupid idiots thinking to cast that … talentless hack … ? … ”
Ned Beechum
Lonoke, Arkansas

” … asshole … ”
Earl Heimley
Frisco City, Alabama

” … never read this crap-hole piece of … again … ”
Ike Breesie
Muncey, Indiana

” … ungrateful, undeserving … in his ass … ”
Nick Blaylick
Woodville, Louisiana

” … moron … hack … and fuck you guys … ”
Eli McKenzie
Marshalville, Georgia

And that’s just a sample! The letters are so overwhelmingly negative and pessimistic about the re-cast that we ran up three separate doctor bills! Everyone is unanimous in their hatred of our decision to recast!

And believe us, we take your constructive criticisms to heart, and so does the talented Mr. Ridgemark! In fact, this is precisely the reaction William was aiming to elicit with his characterization of Rupert Rudyard Kaplan III, and precisely why we know how pleased you’ll be to hear that William Ridgemark is aboard this project for the long haul!

You see, fans? Such resounding feedback makes all the difference! -Rob Oder, editor-in-chief!

March 24, 2008

March 31, 2008

April 7, 2008

April 14, 2008

April 21, 2008

INTRO
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE, PART ONE
CHAPTER THREE, PART TWO
CHAPTER FOUR, PART ONE
CHAPTER FOUR, PART TWO
CHAPTER FIVE

DICK HAMMER: The Dailies 3 … CONTINUED!

Tuesday, April 20th, 2010

INTRO
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE, PART ONE
CHAPTER THREE, PART TWO
CHAPTER FOUR, PART ONE
CHAPTER FOUR, PART TWO
CHAPTER FIVE

CLICK ON IMAGE TO ENLARGE

October 8, 2007

October 15, 2007

October 22, 2007

October 29, 2007

November 5, 2007

November 12, 2007

November 19, 2007

November 26, 2007

December 3, 2007

December 10, 2007

December 17, 2007

December 26, 2007

January 2, 2008

January 7, 2008

January 14, 2008

Well, fans, we’ve finally gotten through all that dull exposition! Now, for the next five chapters, you can expect some slightly livelier exposition … at last!

Here’s a quick reminder (from our sponsors) that our feature is sponsored by Ellis Christie’s “Thugs, Mugs, and Slugs” Radio Mystery Hour! For your listening pleasure, here’s one of their brutal, violent, and disturbing hardboiled crime radio shows! Enjoy this timeless classic, and then tune in to their “Thugs, Mugs, and Slugs” Radio Mystery Hour every Thursday evening! And then tune back here, next week, for Part Two of Dick Hammer:The Dailies, in … “Death, Sweet Death!”

-Rob, Editor-in-Chief

[Sound of rain on concrete. Footsteps approaching]
[orchestra swells]
[footsteps quicken, then suddenly stop]
[rain beating down]
[sound of brass knuckles cracking a jaw]
[body splashes to ground, upsetting trash can]
[dog barking]
[theme song]

Announcer: Welcome to Andrew Avery’s “Thugs, Mugs, and Slugs” Radio Mystery Hour! Featuring the Dirty, Rotten, No-Good, Back-Stabbing Rats!

[Bustle of bodies. Dull crowd of voices. Alcohol being poured. Glasses chinking.]
Gruff voice: Careful, I warned you not to get him mad, Eddie …
Syrupy voice: Look, I’m just saying …
Gruff: Whoa, whoa, Eddie. Stop it right there, I said. I’m telling you, you’re gonna regret it. Lookit, his vein is starting to show.
Syrupy: THIS IS SO … God damn it. This is bullshit.
Gruff: I know, I know, I’m just saying.
[murmur of voices, clinking of bottles]
Syrupy: I mean, he’s the one in the wrong here.
Gruff: I know. We all acknowledge that. But still …
Syrupy: No, you DON’T know. I helped him out. I got him out of a hole, at my own expense, and I’ve been regretting it and suffering for it ever since. He’s had enough time. It’s time for him to make it right.

Gruff: You’re right. You’re right.
Syrupy: It’s … bullshit.
Gruff: I know, I know.
[bottles chinking together, murmuring voices]
Syrupy: He’s got to …
Gruff: Look, I’m agreeing with you. We all know ALL OF that, but YOU’VE got to understand that sometimes shit isn’t fair. And even if you’re in the right, and even if you’ve been patient, you don’t want to piss him off, so for GOD’S SAKE, can you just —

Syrupy: Then he’s gotta pull his GODDAMN OAR, GOD DAMN–
[murmured voices quiet a little]
Gruff: EDDIE, KEEP IT DOWN. Christ! Keep it down. You see that vein on the side of his forehead?
Syrupy: Yeah. He’s got to–
Gruff: You see it?
Syrupy: Yeah, I see it.
Gruff: See how you can actually see it pulsing a little.
Syrupy: I see it, I said.
[laughing in background, bottles clanking]
Gruff: That’s BAD. He’s not good at communicating his emotions. He’s quiet, right? But that’s how you can read him. It’s starting to pulse. That means he’s getting seriously pissed off. He’s about had his limit with you, and I’m telling you…

Syrupy: HE’S had HIS limit. Oh FUCK THIS, this is SUCH-
Gruff: Eddie, oh God, sit down, you’re gonna–
Syrupy: What’s he gonna do? We’re in a bar. There are people all around. Fuck this, I’m not –
[chair legs scrape, bottle breaks against table edge]
Gruff: Oh God
[table overturns, glasses sliding and breaking against floor]
[startled cries, scuffles of bodies moving in haste out of way]
Syrupy: no
[more scuffles and thumps. A startled breath. Sound of glass bottle neck puncturing skin, fast, repeatedly. THUCK, THUCK, THUCK, THUCK]
Syrupy [voice gargling]: … my face …

[THUCK, THUCK]
[thump of body onto floor]
[THUCK]
[silence]
Gruff [addressing room]: What are all you assholes looking at? Comin’ through.
[chairs scooting. Silence]
Gruff (quietly): Let’s get out of here. Bring the bottle neck. You shouldn’t have done that.
[door squeaks open, slams shut]
[sound of wind]
Gruff: He was right, you know.
Slow talker: I know, but he really pissed me off.
Announcer: Hope you enjoyed this week’s “Thugs, Mugs, and Slugs” Radio Mystery Hour! Featuring the Stinking, Rotten, No-Good, Back-Stabbing Rats! Join us again next Thursday evening!

INTRO
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE, PART ONE
CHAPTER THREE, PART TWO
CHAPTER FOUR, PART ONE
CHAPTER FOUR, PART TWO
CHAPTER FIVE

DICK HAMMER: The Dailies 3 “Lipstick on a Gun Barrel”

Monday, April 19th, 2010

INTRO
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE, PART ONE
CHAPTER THREE, PART TWO
CHAPTER FOUR, PART ONE
CHAPTER FOUR, PART TWO
CHAPTER FIVE

FOR LARGER VIEW, CLICK ON IMAGE

August 24, 2007

August 25, 2007

August 26, 2007

August 27, 2007

August 28, 2007

Hope you enjoyed this daily catch-up of the Dick Hammer Dailies! Now that we’re back on track, plan to see new strips back on our original schedule…Every week! …or so! -Rob!

September 5, 2007

September 10, 2007

September 17, 2007

Quick announcement, fans! As you know, we here at “Tabloia Weekly Magazine” bend over backwards, above and beyond any non-fictive magazine in history, to portray our stories in the most realistic fashion possible! You’ve seen that the prestige of our periodical often wins us the respect of the people whose stories we share! And often we manage to convince these actual protagonists to share their memorabilia, photos, videos, and diaries, or even enact their real-life parts in our presentations! That’s why we were so elated when our own Dick Hammer agreed to play himself in the “Dailies” you’re now reading!

It is with this intensive attention to detail and reality in mind, that we must now apologize for an unfortunate, unforeseen event! This potential blow may cause confusion to some of you, but bear with us! We are confident we may keep our creditibliy intact, once you hear the full explanation…

From here on out, the part of “Rudyard Rupert Kaplan III” will be played by William Ridgemark!

Naturally, our disappointment at having to recast a part mid-story is obviated by landing such a respected, talented newcomer! You obviouly all recognize William from his recent roles in the “Tabloia Weekly Magazine” classics, “The Masonite Killings” and the critically acclaimed “Stilt Man of McKenzie Road!”

But why recast our original “Mr. Kaplan III” at all, you ask! Well, the answer is…complicated! Of course you’ve heard the rumors of his alleged drug problem, and how much pressure there has been in the industry not to hire him on for any work! Let us assure you that none of this had anything to do with our decision! Quite frankly, he was miscast, and all involved, including him, had insecurities and misgivings about it!

But now, everyone involved couldn’t be more excited! We’re all looking forward to great things, and we know you will too! So let’s hear a rousing welcome for our new “Rudyard Rupert Kaplan III,” beginning with our next installment, “Betray Me Sweetly!” … NEXT WEEK!

September 19, 2007

September 24, 2007

Fans, Chris just posted his diary entry on the creation of “Dick Hammer: The Dailies!” Don’t miss it! Check it out in his “Diary of a Struggling Comics Artist!”

September 28, 2007

October 1, 2007

NEXT: Chapter Three continues…

INTRO
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE, PART ONE
CHAPTER THREE, PART TWO
CHAPTER FOUR, PART ONE
CHAPTER FOUR, PART TWO
CHAPTER FIVE