Rob,

Is Chris Wisnia the nephew of Salt Peter Press’s owner or something? Otherwise I don’t see why anyone would hire or keep him on. According to every press book or interview I’ve read, he’s a pompous, temperamental, difficult-to-work-with, alcoholic prima donna, who constantly misses his deadlines (Isn’t this supposed to be a weekly book?). That sounds like a lot to deal with from someone whose work is so facile and clumsy.

I began reading Tabloia with #293, “The Human Genetic Lab Experiments” Part 4. I was hooked, and quickly hunted down as many new and back-issues as I could afford. The stories were so innovative, clever, cutting-edge, and stylish. Even the “bad issues” (for example, the Rock-Paper-Scissors Bludgeonings) at least gave me a few interesting thoughts to ponder. But as you must know, those days have been dead and gone for seven years and three months.

Now it seems every feature is crass ego-masturbation published for the sole purpose of stroking off its creators (Chris).

I’ve dutifully hung in there all this time, begging for some spark of that old magic (You’ve done it before, Rob), but issue number 568 and the condescending asshole, Dr. Debunko [sic] in particular – outright belittling pretty much every belief I hold dear -- proved once and for all that the magic is dead and gone.

I won’t be back. Good luck on your sinking ship,

Eugene Litke
Tarboro, NC

Thanks for writing in, Eugene, and hang onto those hard-to-find back issues!

Rob,

If you want to continue writing comics and gathering readers, then there a few things you should know.

a. You have to differentiate between when you’re trying to do flashbacks, and when something is actually happening. You’re supposed to put a “thinking back” bubble around the panel, in the shape of clouds, and maybe have a picture of the thinking persons’ head up in the top corner, so we know who’s thinking it.

b. Hand-written, all caps is the only proper way to include text in a comic. You should never use lower case or cursive, because it’s too hard to read.

Chester Mulligan
Iola, WI

Thanks for the advice, Chester! One of our claims to fame here at Tabloia Weekly has been to wantonly shove established rules aside, year after year in the name of shock value! But you and hundreds of others keep coming back to these two biggies, and you can believe that Tabloia has taken note!

Every time I read Doris Danger, I just get more confused. The stories keep saying to be continued, and starting up somewhere else, with no mention of the previous story. I need help with what’s going on,

From Emmett Walder
Jackson, MS

All of Ms. Danger’s adventures are reprints from forty or more years ago, Emmett! Despite our ownership rights to the stories, it’s been more difficult than you can imagine to hunt down the original plates or artwork, let alone republish them! We are toying with printing cruder copies of copies of the published issues, but even these are hard to hunt down in their entirety. Sadly, many of the stories have yet to be recovered, and many may never turn up! Due to these constraints, we have tried to pick out the best, most popular stories we have available to us, although it does cause a number of consistency gaps! If you’re truly interested in the history of Doris’s exploits, findings, and consistent battles, political and sometimes physical, with the United States government, in her attempt to make known her findings relating to the existence of giant creatures, you should be certain to visit the library or internet, where you can find copies of the official government reports of that time period (roughly 1951-1961). These formerly-classified reports were finally released to the public in 2001, though it’s obvious a number of details are still, as yet, still locked away in restricted files deep in the basements of the pentagon. Just the same, the facts have begun to come out slowly, which we feel has been an enormous boost in rejuvenating people’s interests in Doris Danger’s exploits, and in people’s belief in the unknown in particular, and so we feel proud to be able to reprint what few classic stories we have, any way we can!

Tabloia Magazine,

I am appalled to learn you have a major character in your book, Lance DeLaney, who is gay. These kinds of issues don’t belong in comics. I read comics to escape everyday anxieties, not to be confronted with your not-so-subtle preachings that such acts aren’t morally wrong. If you keep blatantly forcing your opinions and politics, I will spend my money elsewhere.

Ed Johnson
Chattanooga, TN

Thanks for your thoughts, Ed! Lance will be back next issue! Interesting that you disliked our inclusion of a gay character, who wasn’t even portrayed engaging in any acts, but you didn’t mention any of the other colorful and “morally wrong” cast in that issue: a sexist bigot, a man who’s having an affair with his wife’s sister, a grand larcenist, a dishonest boss who uses his high-up position to bribe and blackmail the weak and underprivileged, a police officer on the take, and a neglectful father with a temper problem. Well, different issues are of different import, in tastes of what is morally wrong! That’s why we here at Tabloia strive to give you a well-rounded selection every issue!

Rob,

The only feature of your magazine we enjoy is the letters page, where we can hear from all your readers how much your magazine sucks.

Luke Billingsly
Clinton, MO

We pride ourselves in having a little something for everyone, Luke, in each and every issue of Tabloia!

To Tabloia,

In Doris Danger Adventures, I believe I know the identity of the shadowy figure who keeps unmasking and revealing he’s secretly an evil robot! My guess is that the traitor is Fahir, whom Doris Danger saved from falling debris, and who in return has sworn to dedicate his life to protecting her.

The reason I think it’s him, is that he is the only one who wears a fez, and also when he got water splashed on him, sparks flew up, and his voice started going, “FzzBzz…G—Gt…”

From Art Baker

Mobile, AL

Your guess sounds especially educated, Art! But here are a couple things to consider…

1. How do you know the robot is evil?

2. How do you know the evil robot doesn’t wear the fez only when he lurks in the shadows, to throw potential witnesses off track (Since clearly he’s a master of disguise)?

Chris Wisnia and the artistic staff,

Learn to draw. And also, buy a ruler.

Roy Clumley
La Rue, OH

Thanks for the art tips, Roy! They've been a big help to Chris and the hacks/I mean staff!

You guys are so stupid,

In Doris Danger’s stories, you’ve portrayed this “G” Division of the army so that it’s made up entirely of three-star generals!

Learn your facts,

Bud Ross
Gary, IN

Actually, Bud, and amazingly, while many of the portrayals of the United States Army’s “G” Division (which was in operation during the mid-to-late fifties) are based on hearsay and speculation, one of the few documented, undisputed facts remains that it consisted entirely of three-star generals!

Dear Dr. Debunko [sic],

I was very disappointed in your portrayal of the Psychics of America council in Muskegon, which you wrongly claim you debunked in February of last year. Despite your attempts to thwart a perfectly legitimate psychic event (by taping the doors and windows, not allowing curtains against the walls, etc), it’s clear you disregarded the facts. So here they are:

Knockings and tappings,

Floating objects,

A native American Indian from 1860 with a feather in his hat who addressed the witnesses by saying the customary “Ugh”,

and the arrival of baby Lita, who had been born stillborn three years ago, but who now was flesh-and-blood and received kisses from three of the witnesses!

The few facts that you allowed into your evaluation, you misinterpreted and manipulated behind your scientific charts and tests. Your hostile, flippant disregard proves nothing except how uneducated and biased you are against those who believe psychic powers could exist.

Conald Luckenbill
Columbus, OH

Dr. DeBunko personally thanks you for your perfectly valid critique, Conald! We don’t have space to list all the documented evidence here (Read Tabloia issue #557, or view the article in New Scientific Journal)! However, it is now nationally recognized by all, including your Psychics of America, that Dr. D. did indeed debunk this particular instance in the town of Muskegon, MI in May 2003!

However, you and your personal beliefs shouldn’t feel threatened about this! Everyone has the right to believe whatever they want! It doesn’t matter if there is not one piece of scientific evidence to support your beliefs, and only faulty eye-witness accounts! It doesn’t matter if DeBunko and others have consistently and scientifically debunked every case of alleged psychic powers they’ve come across! It doesn’t matter that no evidence of psychic phenomena has yet to be reproducible in a lab setting for study! You can continue to believe any undocumented, unscientific, ludicrous claims that you want, no matter what the evidence against, and that’s what makes this country so great!

Tabloia,

Why can’t I find any information about Crude Bay, the place you claim these stories take place, as well as where you print them? There is no proof it exists or existed anywhere in California, or even anywhere in America. There is not a trace of it on maps, in news articles, texts, or even on the internet?

Ted Eddie

That’s a great question, Ted! We’re right here in Southern California! Although the city was officially signed into the books in 1742, Crude Bay got its name much later (officially 1891), when get-rich-quick schemers Larry Bolle and Arthur Ridley became convinced oil was in abundance off the coast here, and so they raised money to buy equipment and begin drilling. As you know, there was a rush of migrants hoping to cash in on this apparent wellspring, but it turned out that the little oil that was here didn’t pay off for the years of hard work, labor, erecting of oil drills and refineries (many of which still stand unused today), digging and drilling, the infamous deaths of Roy Mitchum and “Goose” Ferd, and all the intense disappointment! You might say this huge metropolis that is modern-day Crude Bay, and its three million inhabitants, built their foundation on disappointments and broken dreams!

Dear Lance DeLaney,

Homosexuality is against nature! If it’s unnatural you shouldn’t do it.

Lard Jones
Eunice, LA

Thanks for writing in, Lard! We assume by ”natural” you mean that the biological purpose of sex is to reproduce! And we can ignore the other “natural” part, namely that one feels pleasure when one engages in sexual acts! That being the case, we plan to heretofore abstain from any sex act that does not abide by this (narrow) definition of “natural”, including but not limited to kissing, petting, adult mouth on breasts, oral sex, anal sex, etc.! And while we’re at it, we’d better discontinue masturbation (that spits in the face of the natural reproductive act!), as well as sex with a condom or other forms of birth control, or acts between anyone with no intentions of having children! From there, maybe we can make sure people who are impotent or sterile stop having sex too, since it’s unnatural for them to try and engage in a reproductive act! And maybe we’d better not allow any vasectomies! And while we’re at it, we might as well put an end to our limitless unnatural tendencies that have nothing to do with sex! We’ll stop cutting our finger and toenails, and cutting or shaving our head, face, and body hair! We’d better stop wearing make-up or clothes – that’s unnatural! Everyone had better throw away their eye glasses and hearing aids! And no more surgical procedures altering the way our bodies should be! Let’s stop driving automobiles – they don’t exist in nature! We better throw all our computers and stereos and televisions out, stop building houses (that alters the natural landscape), stop engaging in sports (no animals in nature engage in sports)… But wait a minute! I’ve seen animals in nature engage in same-sex sexual behavior…

Mr DeBunko,

All the time, human bodies are found completely burned to ashes except their legs, and the rooms they’re found in are paradoxically intact.

I’ve heard scientists claim that the phenomenon could be explained by the “wicking effect.” No one has been able to scientifically reproduce the “wicking effect,” even in a very controlled lab setting, and that tells me their theory is bogus.

Human spontaneous combustion is a fact of life. Nothing else can satisfactorily explain the phenomenon.

From Cab Norton
Youngstown, OH

Thanks for writing in, Cab!

Taking a science class, or just using a little common sense, may be quite valuable to you! Here’s how science works! You have to come up with a theory that’s not imbecilic! Also, the evidence has to support the theory, and not contradict it!

So first of all, if you want to talk about not being able to duplicate a phenomenon in a lab setting, apply it to your own brilliant theory! NOTHING INSIDE THE HUMAN BODY IS COMBUSTIBLE! And even if somehow it were, you would still need to figure out why it wouldn’t burn up the house or legs! The theory doesn’t answer any questions…it only creates (moronic) new ones! Here are some samples of using scientific inquiry instead of making up gobbledygook!

Most if not all of the unexplained “spontaneous combustion” cases were smokers, or else they had candles or fireplaces burning! Many took sleeping pills before they went to bed with their cigarettes! That gives us a combustion element, as well as a reason they wouldn’t wake up when they catch fire! In addition, they were elderly, and usually women, which means they were prime candidates for osteoporosis, and that would allow their bones to burn more easily than other people!

The wicking effect is the theory that if someone falls asleep in bed while smoking, their clothing becomes like a wick, and their body is like the wax! The fire would be enough to split open the person’s skin and ignite their body’s fat, which would then continue burning slowly and continuously! People have very little fat on their legs, and usually their bedclothes don’t cover their legs, so this explains why the legs would remain when the rest of the body burns

You’re wrong that the wicking effect hasn’t been reproduced! Dr. John De Haan of the California Criminalistic Institute duplicated the results with a dead pig wrapped in a blanket! And we’re not talking about a link of sausage in a pancake!

Saying these completely burned bodies are found “all the time” is a bit of a stretch! There are maybe a couple dozen in the last three hundred years! The easiest explanation for this is that usually, people falling asleep in their beds just set themselves and their entire houses on fire, rather than leaving their houses and legs behind!

Research Staff of Tabloia,

How is it that Sheriff Gomez always winds up on the sites of all these crime scenes that are out of his jurisdiction?

Henry Elwood
Woodridge, IL

Good question, Henry! We assume you’re talking about the Smashed Head Case, the body in question of which was found in an apartment in Central Crude Bay, which should have been the Crude Bay Police’s job! You might equally wonder, last issue, where the highway patrol was, with the freeway hit which came to be known as the Lump Case. There were different circumstances in all of the many cases Walter has been on over the years as Crude Bay sheriff (not to mention the years before that as a deputy sheriff), and that’s why he’s been such a regular and consistent contributor to our researching and writing staff!

Tabloia,

I think your books suck, and I don’t know anyone who feels otherwise, and yet every issue you pat yourselves on the back over how popular and award-winning you are. I’ve never actually seen your name listed in any award histories. Ever.

You publish only letters of your fans, who gawk and slobber in zombie-like admiration, and stifle any real dialogue between people who disagree. I sometimes suspect, when the letters are so exclusively fawning and adoring, that you actually just make up all the letters and the people’s names.

I dare you to print this letter.

Tommy Rudkins
West Hartford, CT

Thanks, Tommy, we’re happy to oblige. Tabloia has won numerous awards over its thirty-two years, in every non-fictional category, here and in Europe, and once in China. Best work of non-fiction, best writer/artist as well as writer/artist team of non-fiction, best writer adapting a work of non-fiction from another medium (in our case, PBS special), best humorous non-fiction, best non-fiction limited series or single issue, best continuing non-fictitious series, best lettering, editing, inking, and packaging for a work of nonfiction, best weekly non-fictional digest, most non-fictional work of the year, most intense cover depiction of a historical event, and two lifetime non-fiction achievement awards, for diligence and steadfastness in non-fictional documentation, and for revamping a dying book and industry of nonfiction by an editor (yours truly in 1969).

Tabloia,

I am a redneck from Beaumont, Mississippi, and some-time vigilante, so I feel I am justified when I say your portrayal of redneck vigilantes is stereotyped and unfair. Negative stereotypes can only lead to misunderstanding and hatred.

Sincerely,

Edmond McGillicutty
Beaumont, MS

We truly appreciate your thoughtful letter, Edmond! Actually, I think you’ve confused the opinions of Tabloia with the mysterious Fez-wearing cult we’ve occasionally documented on our pages! The Fez-wearing cult definitely has a tendency to unfairly stereotype Redneck vigilantes, just as the Rednecks have often stereotyped what they call “those damn fez faggies!” The two factions seem forever pitted against one-another!

In all honesty, little is known about the redneck vigilantes, due to their unwillingness to grant interviews or distribute organizational info and pamphlets, as well as their inability to formulate or express a half-way logical thought! Rest assured that although “Doris Danger Seeks” may not present a well-rounded view of redneck vigilantes, we nonetheless strive to help abolish any negative stereotypes of any groups of people, including you stupid redneck vigilantes!

To Tabloia Weekly Magazine,

You’re always putting down people’s beliefs! You put so much faith in your science, but science is just as fallible. There are mistakes in science all the time, so why don’t you apply your own biased rules to yourselves, you pompous hypocrites!

Signed,

Tom Limpid
Akron, OH

We will, Tom! Are you ready, fans? All right, here we go again!

The answer is simple! Science is man’s self-created, self-correcting system of understanding our world! Scientists come up with theories, and then they test the theories! Evidence has to support their theories, or else they have to come up with new theories! This happens regularly! It’s part of the process of learning and understanding! Sometimes they get it wrong because they don’t have enough evidence! Sometimes they interpret the evidence wrong and have to backtrack! Sometimes they find theories that fit better! We assume that is what you’re referring to, Tom, when you say that science is fallible!

But on the other hand, if and when scientists get it “wrong,” this is just another kind of scientific validation, because then they’ve still legitimately learned something, and can add it to their data! And from there, they can continue to study and analyze what they’ve learned, until they come up with better theories! Eventually, more data is gathered, more time is spent analyzing, and more accurate and validated theories are discovered! Scientific theories can only ultimately get better and more accurate over time!

What is a mistake, and what is fallible, is making halfwit claims that something must necessarily be a particular way, on the basis that some lunatic or moron believes it! It would be a bad idea to ignore evidence that doesn’t support some numbskull’s theory! It would be a mistake to try to manipulate or stretch evidence to fit in ways that are idiotic! These are the kinds of beliefs that Dr. DeBunko questions!

Lastly, if we didn’t ever study to be a car mechanic, we would have to be complete dipshits to tell a mechanic how we think a car should run, or what we think is the matter or would help it run better, or any other of our useless advice! So what on earth makes you scientifically-inept, bumbling buffoons think it would be a good idea, on a subject you don’t know your hairy asses from, to offer your shitwit opinions? Thanks for writing in!

To whoever makes up all your dialogues:

Half your panels contain two-thirds text! I don’t have the time or patience to waste trying to get through this. If I have to read that much, I’ll make god damned sure it’s for a work of literature, and not a piece of ?!&%$#!! with tiny half-assed drawings, written by morons.

Billy Jones Sikes
Overland Park, KS

Thanks for your concern, Billy! Everyone writing in continues to complain about the quality of “writing” in our articles, which is why we must again stress: We do not randomly create these stories and conversations, edit for clarity, nor poeticize every voice balloon! On the contrary, every word you read has been factually documented to be historically accurate! Sentences are included only if they are confirmed to have been spoken verbatim by the real people in these true-to-life situations! In other words, our faithfulness to reality authoritatively disproves the claim that truth is less boring than fiction!

Tabloia,

I happen to know that a person can spontaneously combust, if they drink enough alcohol. It’s been documented.

Gage Redding
Akron, OH

Glad to see there are still readers concerned to keep the spontaneous human combustion debate going, Gage! Actually, the only place it’s been documented in writing is 1852’s *Bleak House*, by Charles Dickens, and that’s a work of fiction! No one’s ever seen it happen, and scientifically, there’s no evidence it could happen! However, In the words of Robert Todd Carroll, “…if the deceased had been eating the newspaper and drunk some oil and was left to rot for a couple weeks in a well-heated room, his gut might ignite.” That’s a scientific experiment that has yet to be conducted, so never say never!